The Secret Diary of Mark Kozelek aged 13 and 3 quarters

I woke up after having a dream about [insert name of arty European film here] and I saw an injured [insert name of animal here] outside my window. It reminded me of [insert name of some boxer] at the end of his career and I felt sad.

I had to fly to [insert name of city] to play a show. I wasn’t really into it because I was thinking about [insert name of relative] who was dying from [insert name of obscure illness].

The audience was mostly [insert generalisation / slur] but it was cool because [drop name of moderately well-known alternative musician] was there. It made me think back to when I saw [insert name of forgotten 90s band] play at the [insert name of venue] supporting [insert name of other forgotten 90s band].

After the gig I called my Dad and told him that the audience were all [choose between indie brats / blogger bedwetters / braindead journalists] and they didn’t appreciate true genius when they saw it so I told them all to suck my cock.

Dad said “well instead of just singing about everything you see and do, why don’t you try writing some proper lyrics?” I told him to suck my cock and hung up.

On the way back to the hotel I saw a little kitten sitting in the gutter. When I got back I talked to the hotel receptionist who was called [insert female name here]. I didn’t sleep with her but I totally could have because she was, like, totally into me.